A Proper Understanding of Sex

Earlier, we read that God said, “and they shall be one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). This was followed with “and they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (vs. 25).

Sex is a natural part of marriage. However, many people enter marriage without a proper understanding of the role of sex. God instructed married couples to enjoy a right and fulfilling sexual relationship.

Recognize that when you entered marriage, you may not have properly understood sex within the “marriage bed.” Notice this: “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Heb. 13:4).

Both parties must strive to grow in sexual understanding—to not be inhibited by ignorance or poor communication. God states, “The marriage bed is undefiled.” There is nothing wrong or inherently evil about sex.

While this is a large subject, requiring an entire book to properly explain, I will at least briefly comment on it here. (Our free book Sex – Its Unknown Dimension explains more about this topic.)

God wants husbands and wives to be sexually fulfilled. He does not want repressed, frustrated partners, who do not understand that proper sexual relations involve basic knowledge—information that must be known to avoid unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.

If husbands lack basic knowledge of sex, they must sweep away pride. Seek help—get counsel. One must have at least a minimum understanding in this area for relations in marriage to be fulfilling. The same is true of wives. They must not be frigid. God says to be “one flesh” within marriage—and this refers to sexual relations.

Properly understood sex, practiced within marriage, binds a husband and wife in a unique and wonderful way. There is nothing dirty about sex when it is in marriage. Rather, it is beautiful, when practiced between two people who deeply love each other, who have chosen to share their lives together.

Neither mate has the right to withhold sex from the other. Notice: “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence [sexual responsibility]: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud you not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (I Cor. 7:3-5).

There is valuable instruction here. Husbands and wives have a “sexual responsibility” to each other, with verse 4 revealing that, after marriage, your body belongs to your mate. The wife then owns—has “power” over—the husband’s body, and the husband owns—has “power” over—the wife’s body.

God explains that couples must never “defraud…the other.” While there could be times when, for spiritual reasons, a couple avoids sexual relations, this should always be followed by a resumption of normal relations—to avoid “incontinency” (or lack of continuation). Ignoring this brings the danger of adultery into the marriage—“Satan’s temptation” to find fulfillment elsewhere.

Adultery—sexual relations with anyone other than one’s mate—is at virtual epidemic levels throughout all Western nations. Fifty percent of all women and sixty-six percent of all men admit to periodic adultery. This means that, because some marriages only have one partner committing adultery, over eighty percent of marriages suffer adultery. Infidelity, when discovered, is devastating to a marriage. But even if it is never discovered, it has a direct and harmful effect on the marriage. Trust has been broken. Disloyalty has been demonstrated—and if found out, the likely result is divorce and tremendous pain to many parties—especially any children of that union.

Incidentally, children who are products of divorce—for adultery or any reason—develop severe emotional and psychological problems, usually unrecognized by the children themselves. Later, after getting married, these problems surface—and often continue the cycle of divorce learned in the early years. It is as though children have been “wired” incorrectly by divorce. All children were designed by God to have a loving father and mother present in the home, not to be ping-ponged back and forth between two people who often use them as pawns, sometimes leaving them almost ruined in regard to developing their own happy marriage. (To learn more about this topic, read our booklet Understanding Divorce and Remarriage.)

For decades, “girl watching” and “boy watching” have been national pastimes. Millions routinely lust after men and women to whom they are not married. Christ said, “whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). Recall Hebrews 13:4: “God will judge whoremongers and adulterers.” Adultery and “whoring around” will bring God’s certain judgment on those rejecting His boundaries for marriage.

Obeying this command of God presents a big challenge in this age because there are many pitfalls couples must avoid—sex is thrown at them from every direction!

Take charge of the sexual relations in your marriage. Always remember that faithfulness, mixed with a right and proper understanding of sex, is vitally important to building a wonderful, happy marriage.

Finally, never stop romancing each other. This should not cease after your wedding day. That was merely the point at which the romancing had been so successful, you decided to continue doing it for the rest of your lives. Planning special dinners and occasions should continue for the rest of your lives. Surprising each other with unexpected activities and plans is enormously important. So is an occasional weekend away at just the right time to just the right place!

Find ways to keep your relationship interesting, even fascinating, because you are committed to continually uplifting, encouraging and inspiring your mate—and because your happiness is directly intertwined with your spouse.