Wives, Encourage Your Husbands

Just as husbands are to continually encourage their wives, so should wives do this with their husbands. Men need encouragement—sometimes lots of it. They need to be inspired to success by their wives and told that they can achieve and do more than they believe possible. Nothing means more to a husband than hearing that his wife believes in him, stands behind him, knows and is confident that he will accomplish what he has set out to do. He must hear your support on a regular basis.

Wives, be sure that you do this gently, without driving, badgering or nagging your husband to success. And be sure you want him to be successful for the right reasons—because it is good for him, the family and the marriage, not just good for you.

Of course, a man should encourage his wife for the exact same reasons. He should also want her to fulfill her potential.

Partners in marriage should want each other to be all they can be—to see them grow beyond where they are, accomplish more, utilize their talents, bringing greater happiness to each other and the marriage as a whole.

Wives, understand that your husband is under pressure on the job. It is not easy to go to work in this world. Obviously, some of you hold full-time jobs. If so, you know the tremendous pressure and difficulty of the work-a-day world. This is a stressful age, perhaps the most stressful the world has ever seen. Encourage your husband if he is under strain—and husbands should obviously encourage their wives if they are under unusual pressure in the home. In either case, each partner should understand the other’s point of view—what the other may be enduring—what his or her day was like—trying to be reassuring, patient, tolerant of the mate’s occasional discouragement.

Always strive to lift each other up, reflecting to your spouse the big picture of where the marriage is going. “Accentuate the positive! Eliminate the negative! And don’t mess with Mr. In-between,” as the old saying goes.

This is not just a cliché. It truly works, if you work at practicing these things with each another. Encouraging language means so much to people who are tired, discouraged, depressed or frustrated!

The Fine Art of Right Communication

Miscommunication, bad communication or a lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce. The role of the husband is to try to take the lead in proper communication with his wife.

Husbands must understand that the wife has often been home all day with the children. She may be frustrated and in desperate need of conversation with someone above the age of 5—or even 15. The husband who comes home from work not wanting to talk, but rather to just sit down, have a beer, read the paper and watch the news, has effectively cut his wife off from communication with another adult.

Do not forget about her needs. Talk to her. Find out about her day. Show interest in what she has accomplished and what may have happened with the children. Sit down with her and allow her to open up about what was important in the last 8 to 12 hours of her life.

I remember that my parents always stopped what they were doing in order to sit down and share what had happened in their day. My mother always immediately stopped whatever she was doing when my father got home so that he could tell her of his travels. For many years, my father was a very successful salesman. My mother wanted to hear about prospects he had pursued. But their discussions always ended with him showing interest in her day. My father always wanted to hear how “things had gone with the children”—and whatever else had happened. They practiced this throughout my childhood.

Husbands: Ask questions. Bring things up. Strive to always take the lead in communication. Discuss the finances. Discuss goals that have been set, and possibly achieved, while always recognizing that your tone of voice is important. Women are very sensitive to tone of voice—whether it is harsh and superior, or tender, understanding and concerned.

The strong silent type may work in the movies, but it does not work well in marriage. The greatest single way to frustrate one another is to not communicate with each other. Invariably, this problem starts with the husband. But it may not end there.

Wives, be sure that you open up to your husband. You may be by nature “more verbal” or “less verbal” than he is. Depending upon which is the case, strive to do a little more listening, or a little more talking. The couple should strive to find a balance in communication, with each expressing an opinion about the things on their minds.

Husbands and wives should both always remember to discuss their problems with each other, while relying on God for ultimate spiritual understanding. All problems should always be discussed with God. Wives, particularly, should discuss their spiritual problems with their husbands, while never neglecting to remember that God is the One ultimately guiding and helping them spiritually. Your husband cannot grant you salvation.

It is actually a form of adultery to discuss intimate (even non-sexual) problems with someone other than your mate. This is a form of disloyalty—sharing outside the marriage things that are highly personal to the marriage. Proper communication within marriage means never “airing dirty laundry” or personal problems outside the marriage! Yet, a wife must always feel as though she can also seek spiritual counsel from her minister (those who are true ministers of God). Her husband has no authority to block her from doing this by requiring her to receive all spiritual counsel from him. He must recognize that he may not be qualified to guide her in certain areas of spiritual development.

Share yourself with one another. Open up! It is a serious mistake to not communicate in marriage. This causes couples to grow distant from one another, feeling that they do not know what is on the mind of the other. Invariably, this leads to real distance, often followed by the ultimate distance between two partners—divorce! How sad when two people who seemingly once could not find enough time to discuss all the things that were on each other’s mind, find themselves no longer interested in any kind of conversation.

On a final note, avoid arguing at all costs. NOTHING productive ever comes from heated exchanges. The devastating effect of this kind of “communication” lasts longer, and bites deeper, than the couple doing it even begins to realize. If you are wrong, always apologize. Defending the indefensible is silly and unproductive. Never store up feelings and then dump them in a heated moment of release. Be sure that your conversation reflects what you would like to hear from your husband or wife. The Golden Rule—“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—is also the greatest rule of communication within marriage!

“Keepers at Home”

As mentioned, society has taught women that they can achieve greater success—be more “complete” and “fulfilled”—if they leave the home to enter the work-a-day world. They are taught to compete with men in the corporate arena. The problem with this is that God reveals that this is not a woman’s natural role. Let’s examine what He says is her natural role.

Notice Paul’s instruction to younger women in the Church: “That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Titus 2:4-5).

This is a powerful passage, containing many helpful points for young women in particular and all women in general. Read each phrase carefully and notice how older women (vs. 3) are to teach younger women these things. This is rarely done anymore because most younger women now have no interest in being taught anything—let alone “old values” by “old ladies.”

This verse teaches that wives should love their husbands and children. This is more obvious. But verse 5explains that they are also to be “keepers at home,” as well as “good, obedient to their own husbands.” This is so vital to recognize that God ties it directly to “that the word of God be not blasphemed.”

Wives were designed to be “keepers at home.” They should take care of the needs there, recognizing that men do not naturally think in this way. Women were engineered to think of the little needs that make a home friendly, warm and special to all who share it with her. Men are not able to do this even remotely as well as women.

Wives: Take time to think about how you can improve the environment in which you live—in which your children are growing up to become adults and parents themselves. What special things can you do, depending upon the budget you have to work with? Do not sell short how much you can do, if you are industrious, creative and determined!

In this same regard, wives should try to fulfill the little needs in their marriage that are going unfulfilled. Remember, “two are better than one,” and the woman is an assistant to her husband. God knows that no man is complete without an effective assistant looking to all the little needs, which he was not created to notice.

I have counseled hundreds of marriages, and rarely have I seen men recognize the home’s less obvious needs as well as does the wife and mother. The astute husband recognizes this. He understands and accepts that he was not created—not designed—to see what is less obvious. The wise wife and mother recognizes that she was!—and that it is her responsibility to fulfill these little needs in the marriage. She takes care of the issues and concerns that would otherwise never be addressed!