God’s Instructions from the Beginning

The first biblical reference to marriage is in Genesis 2. It describes Adam and Eve being brought together by God, forming the first marital union of a man and a woman in history. The account begins in verse 18.

Notice: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [Hebrew: “fit or suitable”] for him.”

God explains that men and women were not designed to be alone. People never work as well—are not as productive—when they are alone. Men were created—designed—to need an assistant, a help, another person to stand beside them. Of course, the woman is also aided by the man in a variety of ways.

Studies show that the average person becomes happier after marriage. This increase has actually been measured, with these studies showing that, no matter the person’s prior level of happiness, it receives at least a small boost.

Verses 19 and 20 describe Adam looking at all the animals God had created and finding none suitable for him. So, in verse 21, God put him to sleep, took a rib from his side, and created the woman: “And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made [Hebrew: “builded”] He a woman, and brought her unto the man” (vs. 22).

Now notice verse 23. Adam realized that the woman was literally part of him—that she had come from him: “And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Here is God’s first recorded instruction about the marriage institution. Next, He tells Adam and Eve what to do, once married: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (vs. 24-25).

Married couples are to live together, forming a new household, apart from their parents. The reference to “and they shall be one flesh,” is a picture of sexual relations within marriage. The verse is explaining where sexual relations belong—within marriage!

This account establishes marriage as God-ordained! This institution was created, designed, and presented to the first human couple—Adam and Eve—as the way God intended the two sexes to live together.

Now notice this passage in Ecclesiastes. Solomon, the wisest man of all time, describes why the joining of two people is better than one alone: “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor” (4:9).

Verse 10 continues to explain the advantages of being married: “For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he has not another to help him up.” Now notice verse 11: “Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?”

Verse 12 adds, “And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Notice the phrase “and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” This establishes the minimum number to be a family. One child makes any couple “threefold.” To be a rope—a “cord”—a minimum of three strands is required, making it possible to weave them together. Each additional child further strengthens the marriage, makes the rope stronger, binds the family, making it harder for a couple to break up. God explains that producing a family is central to marriage. Adam and Eve had been told, “be fruitful, and multiply” (Gen. 1:28).

The Husband’s Responsibility

The most important New Testament passage about marriage and the specific role of husbands and wives is Ephesians 5:22-33. This passage describes the most fundamental understanding each partner must bring to the marriage.

Beginning in verse 25, God describes, through Paul, instruction to the husband: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” This emphasizes the importance of husbands showing a real, sincere, deep love for their wives!

The husband’s first and greatest responsibility is to unfailingly love his wife! Initially, many husbands try to do this, but their effort wanes over time. Men often begin to take their wives for granted, not realizing they are to love them “as Christ loved the Church.” This is the extremely high standard God sets—an unending, boundless love, paralleling the way Christ cares about His bride, the Church. Christ never gives up on the Church, but rather forgives, understands, is patient with, tolerates and works with His wife-to-be.

The next several verses describe how Christ works with the Church—how a husband should treat his wife. This example culminates in verses 28-29 with this instruction: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord the church.”

These are powerful words, especially the end of verse 29. They show an undying, never-ending, outgoing concern for the wife on the part of the husband. He is to love her as much as he loves himself. That is a tall order, but it is a reflection of the fact that the first woman (as a type of all women) literally came from a man—from his flesh.

Verses 30-31 speak directly of Genesis 2. Here, Paul explains that his instruction about marriage derives directly from the passage we have already read. The New Testament supports the Old. Notice: “For we are members of His body, of His flesh, and of His bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”

Now read verse 33. It summarizes the husband’s role and introduces the most important aspect of the wife’s role, what she must understand in the marriage: “Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence [respect] her husband.”

The Wife’s Responsibility

What about wives? What is the most important aspect—responsibility—that God requires her to perform in marriage? Let’s now read the most crucial obligation for wives. Few married couples understand this great point.

Notice verse 22: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Society has completely reversed, even denigrated, what we are reading from the pages of the Bible. Yet, this is what God, as the Author of marriage and what makes it work, requires of the woman.

Most women are taught today that they are equal in authority to their husband. Certainly women areequal before God as human beings. Men are not more important or better than women. But God places the man in charge of the marriage. This verse is plain.

The typical marriage counselor scorns this principle, seeing it as archaic, out-of-date, out-of-step. Very few brides-to-be enter marriage having been taught anything about being subject to their husband’s loving authority. Most would ridicule and outright reject this idea!

Some years ago, I performed a wedding where almost none of the audience was familiar with Ephesians 5. During the ceremony, as this and related scriptures were read, the wife vowed to submit herself—be subject—to her husband. We heard snickering from a number of the more “sophisticated” women in the audience. Afterwards, several approached the bride, kidding her and asking her if she “really meant it” or if it was “just for the ceremony?”

Virtually all were hoping that she did not really mean what she said—that it was mere formality. A couple of the women actually approached me about how “novel” and “sweet” it was that some women could still think this way. Of course, the implication in their voices was that it would certainly never be this way in their marriages.

What was most astonishing was perhaps not that these women disagreed with wives submitting to their husbands, but rather that they viewed the exchange of solemn vows to God’s command as little more than a formality—a statement made for show!

No wonder so many marriages do not last even five years. While all couples want to be happy, almost none follow God’s formula for achieving it. Then they wonder why they are miserable!

Parallel of Christ and the Church

Now notice the next two verses in Ephesians 5: “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (vs. 23-24).

This passage is also most clear. Not only is the husband the head of the wife—her leader—but, as with how the husband loves his wife, this also parallels the way Christ heads the Church. Certainly, the Church is not equal in authority with Christ. All who believe this verse must recognize that the woman is under her husband’s authority.

God leaves no doubt that the husband is the leader—pacesetter—in the home. His example must stand out as a leader—not just as one who is “in charge,” throwing his weight around, saying, “I’m the boss!” Remember, he is to love his wife. His leadership, as head of the home, must reflect God’s love. But the woman must submit herself to him. No man can lead a woman who will not yield to his authority.

Remember, verse 24 revealed that the woman is subject unto her own husband “as the church is subject unto Christ.” This leaves no room for both partners being in charge.

Try telling the owner or CEO of a company that his employees should have an equal say in decisions—or a President or Prime Minister that the citizenry should be able to overrule his government—or a football coach that his players should be able to take over the team whenever they see fit.

In every organization, institution, company, football team, nation, military branch or other entity, someone has to ultimately be in charge. The governments and organizations of this world all recognize this. No one would consider joining a football team where all the players were equal with the coach. That would bring chaos—and probably every game would end in defeat.

Why, then, cannot millions of people recognize that marriage is no different—that the most basic unit of all societies, the family, must have a final decision-maker? Someone must be in charge! As children appear in the family, they must know who is the leader and who is the assistant. In Genesis, God had said that the woman was the “help” to the man—she was his assistant, and was made “suitable” for him as an assistant.

Understand that this overall pattern for marriage must be accepted as God’s blueprint—the fundamental starting point for a marriage to have any hope of success. Again, the marriage “experts” and even the ministers of this world disagree. The terrible fruits of their instruction, that men and women are equals—both in charge—prove they do not know what they are talking about! Because most do not examine God’s Word to see this pattern explained, divorce is exploding in most of the countries and cultures of the world.

How it Works

Today, many men are unwilling to take the lead in marriage. Of course, many get married only to find that their wife has no intention of letting them be in charge. This is another problem.

Society has seen the near disappearance of strong leadership, with most men no longer knowing howto lead. This creates a crucial void in the marriage—and it frustrates women, who were designed by God to most naturally follow the strong but loving lead of a wise man. Women were designed to need to know that their husbands love them, and will provide for and take care of them. A woman should feel that, if necessary, her husband will defend her with his life (Eph. 5:25)!

Understanding these things leaves a woman much more secure and comfortable in the role of follower.

The woman married to a man who will not lead will spend her marriage frustrated, unable to know when to passively accept indecision or to speak up and take action, because her husband will not. Many women are forced to step into a leadership void in their homes, because the man will not fill it—and somebody has to. Somebody has to take the lead whenever any two or more people do anything!

On the other hand, some men view their role as a husband leading a wife like a drill sergeant leading raw recruits. They try to drive their wives, bossing them around, frustrating and squelching them.

No woman wants to feel that her opinions do not count—that her views do not matter, because the man “knows everything.” This is no better, and is even in some ways worse, than a marriage in which the man will not lead at all. For a marriage to achieve the happiness and peace that God intends, both these extremes must be avoided.

Husbands should gently and lovingly lead their wives, drawing them out, asking their advice—and using it when appropriate. The wise husband knows that his wife is his best advisor—that she knows him best and knows how to compensate for his areas of weakness.

In Colossians, Paul repeats, in synopsis form, the instruction to husbands and wives. As with Ephesians, the wife’s responsibility is listed first. Notice: “WIVES, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. HUSBANDS, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (3:18-19).

The reason the wife’s role is given first is because family government must be established before anything productive can be accomplished. Again, the husband must lovingly lead the wife—and that is why God inspires Paul to record this twice. But if the wife does not submit, the marriage will not last. All the love in the world from the husband will not keep a marriage together if the wife is determined to be in charge. Also, all the family “government” in the world will not keep it together if the husband does not truly love his wife.

No successful marriage can have one—either one—without the other!

Another vital point must be understood. Since obviously the wife must also love her husband, and this has not been stated directly, the husband must also periodically (this has been alluded to) be willing to yield to the wife’s wiser position or view on any given matter. He must be humble enough to take her advice when her plan is better than his own. Incidentally, feeling more appreciated, understood and valued, the woman’s love for her husband will grow!

Husbands, be wise enough and willing to seek your wife’s counsel. Strive to train yourself to want her ideas. Remember, when combined, two partially good ideas can become either a good, very good or even a wonderful idea!

Your wife has much to offer, but you must be willing to receive it.

The Weaker Vessel

Being a leader sometimes means pointing out mistakes or weaknesses of those who follow you. Since this obviously includes wives, husbands should never do this unless they understand one of the basic differences between men and women.

Notice how God instructs husbands to understand these differences: “Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered” (I Pet. 3:7).

Did you notice the phrase “the weaker vessel”? Wives are physically weaker, and generally smaller than their husbands. Husbands must understand this. But this does not mean the woman is mentally or spiritually weaker than her husband.

 

If a man needs to bring a point to his wife’s attention, he must always be extremely gentle and kind in the way he presents it to her. He should strive to inspire and encourage his wife to do better. Remember, Colossians 3:19 instructed husbands to “be not bitter against” their wives. No one wants to be talked down to, demeaned, put down or made the brunt of jokes. He must leave his wife her dignity, understanding she is as important before God as he is. The harsh, bitter, verbally abusive husband, who belittles his wife, will answer to God for having taken his authority too far. No husband doing this loves his wife “as Christ loves the Church”!